A GUIDE BY REVEREND HORNIBASTARD
There has long been a pathetic paucity of sage advice on how to entice a lady into bed so you can show your deep respect for her as a woman by fucking her senseless.
Consequently, I thought I should offer a few meager crumbs of advice on matters of lust and arranging successful nude, therapeutic desploogination sessions.
It is with the utmost humility that I submit my ten simple steps to fabulously great sex:
1. BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Sex usually starts with a kiss or, occasionally (unless you’re from Mississippi and planning to hump your sister), maybe even lots of kissing. The intended target of your lust will most likely be put off if your mouth smells like a dumpster or a port-o-potty at the state fair.
2. CLEAN OUT YOUR NOSE. Even mediocre sex usually involves some heavy breathing once the festivities get into full swing. It might spoil the mood if boogers come flying out your nose and land on your beloved when you start breathing hard. Women will tolerate or even welcome your slobber, pre-cum dribble and splooge but most draw the line at urine, feces and boogers no matter how colorful.
3. TRIM YOUR FINGERNAILS. Despite what you may have seen in the movies, most women don’t like having their skin ripped to shreds when, in the throes of passion, you grip them and gleefully toss them around the room like a rag doll.
4. TAKE A SHOWER. This is really important – even if you already took a shower within the last 30 days. Remember to wash all over, especially the bits you haven’t seen lately.
5. CLEAR YOUR COLON BEFOREHAND. It is normal for exertion to result in a sudden need to take a dump. Make sure you’ve flushed out your colon before your evening heats up. It spoils the mood if you have to excuse yourself after your woman is already breathing hard so you can go have a mudslide. If this does happen, be sure to use a bathroom suitably distant from the love nest (drive to the nearest McDonalds if necessary). You don’t want her to hear you blasting away in the toilet or smelling your shit when you finally emerge. Believe me, I know about this.
6. USE DEODORANT AND A QUALITY COLOGNE. This never hurts. Most women pay attention to smell more than men do. If you don’t have any clean clothes to wear, use extra deodorant and LOTS of cologne!
7. SHOW UP IN A SUITABLE VEHICLE. You don’t really need to show up in a Lamborghini, a Porsche or a Mercedes. But, unless your date is from the rural South, don’t show up in a pickup truck with a cracked windshield, oversized tires and those mud flaps that feature the silver silhouette of a nude woman with big hair and even bigger boobs.
8. LINE ‘EM UP! Make sure you’ve already lined up (at least) one suitable splooge-worthy woman. Two women is always better. If you feel up to it, three can be even more fun. Four is probably too many (especially if you’re over 65).
9. ENSURE YOU WILL HAVE SUFFICIENT ENDURANCE. Love making is not the right time to impress your date with your speed and efficiency. Nothing will demolish your reputation faster than a 29-second quickie after which you leap off your woman in search of pizza before she even breaks a sweat. To ensure you can sustain the party for a respectable period, make sure you self-desplooginate before an important date. If you’re under 20 years old you might consider self-desplooginating two or three times before your date gets underway. If your date night involves two, three or four women, or if you’re over 65 years old, you can probably skip this step.
10. KEEP THE NAMES STRAIGHT. It will spoil the fun if you scream out the name of a woman who isn’t even present just as you’re pumping your date full of splooge. Believe me, I know about this one too. The best practice is to always remember: Any woman, at least while your cock is inside her, should be referred to as “sweetheart.”